Friendship, Honesty, Ghosting and Learning to Trust Again
I hesitate to even pen the thoughts swimming around in my mind because it reveals a vulnerable spot in my heart that I'm not sure I want you to see. So naturally, I'm posting it on the internet :) Call this self-therapy, if you will, but I digress. I don't always like letting people in. It's much safer to keep them at arms length. When I build a wall around my heart, my heart stays safe. Untouched. Unharmed.
And I have a feeling that many of you can relate.
Notwithstanding my fears, the fact is that we need people. We're not meant to journey through this life alone. Family is wonderful (if you're born into a good one) and spouses can be wonderful (if you're lucky in love) but there's something different about friends. There's a void in our hearts that only a friend can fill. I don't quite understand it.
I was fortunate enough in the cosmic lottery of life to have been born into an amazing family. And even after nearly 14 years of marriage with plenty of ups and downs, I'm still crazy in love with my husband - and I consider him my best friend. We even have similar interests and hobbies and love doing things together. To top that, I am fortunate that my husband's family is equally amazing and I am proud to call them my own. Despite my family blessings, I still find myself with a need for female friendship. I don't think I'm alone in this one, either. Many of my friends have expressed this same need. Men don't always understand it, but girls get it.
Starting at a young age, this need for friendship drives us to seek out others. Even then, we soon realize that there are risks involved in forming these relationships. We risk hurt, heartache, betrayal, ridicule, and abandonment. Some of our friendships yield wonderful fruit that nourish our hearts and feed our souls. Other friendships sizzle and burn, fade away into the abyss or go out in a blaze of glory.
As we grow, we soon learn that it isn't always easy to predict the outcome of a newly formed friendship. When I look at the women I'm blessed enough to call friends, I find it interesting to trace the paths that led us to one another. Some of us were friends from day one. We met and clicked right away. It's as if we had known each other all our lives. Other friendships grew slowly, over time. Because we bear the scars of past relationships, many of us are often hesitant to move forward when we meet a new potential friend. It's sad, really. In fact, I wonder how many friendships I've missed out on because of my fear of being hurt, rejected or abandoned.
We also soon learn that there are levels of friendships. Some people are acquaintances that we enjoy talking to when our schedules overlap, others we intentionally hang out with, although we wouldn't dare share certain things with them. And then there are the friends we share our lives with. If we're lucky, we'll have at least one or two that we can bare our souls to. The latter kind of friend is the one that knows all of your quirks and dirty secrets and yet loves you any way. Even if you don't talk every day or even every week, the two of you don't let too much time go by without contact. She's also the one that can tell you that your breath stinks and when you're being a total ass. And you gladly return the favor :) She doesn't lie when you ask her if your jeans make your butt look big and she'd be there for you at 3am if you needed her. That kind of friend is rare. Many people walk through life never having a friend like that. If you have one, don't let her go.
Life takes us all down different paths and sometimes we cannot walk down the same paths that our friends are on. The friend you had yesterday might not be the friend you have today. Most friends are only around for a season. Rarely is a friend around for a lifetime. Depending on your view and on the friend, this can be a sad reality. We get busy. We move. We have families that need our time and attention. We have careers to worry about, bills to pay, functions and appointments to attend. Life doesn't always leave much room for friends. Despite this, I still hang on to the belief that a good friend is worth making the effort for. And, a good friend will make an effort in return.
Even after we weigh the risks, take the plunge and make an honest effort, some relationships just don't last. If the friendship wasn't an intimate one, then we usually get past it rather quickly. However, the loss of a close friendship, in many ways, can feel like a death. It's easy to see why some friendships fail. Maybe alcoholism is to blame or betrayal. Sometimes people change over time and just don't have much in common any more. Those things I get. Those reasons I understand. However, what I can't wrap my head around is a friend who walks away with no explanation. They simply vanish. Phone calls don't get returned, texts go unanswered. The abandoned friend is left wondering why. I recently read an article about this very phenomenon. It has a name - "ghosting". To me, that's one of the worst things you can do - especially if the friendship was a close one. I'd much rather someone be honest with me, even if the truth hurt. Truth brings closure. Truth can be dealt with, but mystery causes confusion that lasts for a long time to come.
I know what it feels like to be burned by a friend. I've been hurt, betrayed and abandoned (I guess I can say "ghosted" now since that's a thing). Because of the deep hurt and scars on my heart, I'm cautious when entering into a new friendship. I conceal parts of myself because I know what it's like to be betrayed after making myself vulnerable. Oftentimes, I keep people at arms length because if I become too emotionally invested, it'll hurt too much if the relationship fails. There are very few people that I trust in this world. Very few people that I show my whole, unfiltered self to. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm okay with that. Not everyone is mine, either.
So given the risks involved, why do we continue? Why do we try? We do so because our hearts compel us to. Friendship and companionship are God-given needs (if you believe in that sort of thing). I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the best friend. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own life or I let my own selfishness blind me to the needs of others. On the other hand, I can be a good friend when I really put forth the effort. I place a lot of value on my friends and would do just about any thing for them. I love to make my friends laugh and I love talking with them about the things that weigh on their hearts and minds.
I am trying. I'm trying to let people back in. I'm slowly tearing down my walls when I find a friend who I think might be "safe". I'm learning to not let the opinions of others define me and to embrace the person that I am. While getting older may come with wrinkles and weird body aches with no known origin (seriously, why does my back hurt?!), it also comes with a growing confidence and acceptance of one's self. I'm beginning to see that the rewards are worth the risk. Sometimes we have to dig through the weeds to get to the flowers. If you call yourself my friend, know that I love and value you. Even if you're a friend from my past, know that you have meant something to me. For those of you who have stuck around, see my faults and love me anyway, thank you.
And I have a feeling that many of you can relate.
Notwithstanding my fears, the fact is that we need people. We're not meant to journey through this life alone. Family is wonderful (if you're born into a good one) and spouses can be wonderful (if you're lucky in love) but there's something different about friends. There's a void in our hearts that only a friend can fill. I don't quite understand it.
I was fortunate enough in the cosmic lottery of life to have been born into an amazing family. And even after nearly 14 years of marriage with plenty of ups and downs, I'm still crazy in love with my husband - and I consider him my best friend. We even have similar interests and hobbies and love doing things together. To top that, I am fortunate that my husband's family is equally amazing and I am proud to call them my own. Despite my family blessings, I still find myself with a need for female friendship. I don't think I'm alone in this one, either. Many of my friends have expressed this same need. Men don't always understand it, but girls get it.
Starting at a young age, this need for friendship drives us to seek out others. Even then, we soon realize that there are risks involved in forming these relationships. We risk hurt, heartache, betrayal, ridicule, and abandonment. Some of our friendships yield wonderful fruit that nourish our hearts and feed our souls. Other friendships sizzle and burn, fade away into the abyss or go out in a blaze of glory.
As we grow, we soon learn that it isn't always easy to predict the outcome of a newly formed friendship. When I look at the women I'm blessed enough to call friends, I find it interesting to trace the paths that led us to one another. Some of us were friends from day one. We met and clicked right away. It's as if we had known each other all our lives. Other friendships grew slowly, over time. Because we bear the scars of past relationships, many of us are often hesitant to move forward when we meet a new potential friend. It's sad, really. In fact, I wonder how many friendships I've missed out on because of my fear of being hurt, rejected or abandoned.
We also soon learn that there are levels of friendships. Some people are acquaintances that we enjoy talking to when our schedules overlap, others we intentionally hang out with, although we wouldn't dare share certain things with them. And then there are the friends we share our lives with. If we're lucky, we'll have at least one or two that we can bare our souls to. The latter kind of friend is the one that knows all of your quirks and dirty secrets and yet loves you any way. Even if you don't talk every day or even every week, the two of you don't let too much time go by without contact. She's also the one that can tell you that your breath stinks and when you're being a total ass. And you gladly return the favor :) She doesn't lie when you ask her if your jeans make your butt look big and she'd be there for you at 3am if you needed her. That kind of friend is rare. Many people walk through life never having a friend like that. If you have one, don't let her go.
Life takes us all down different paths and sometimes we cannot walk down the same paths that our friends are on. The friend you had yesterday might not be the friend you have today. Most friends are only around for a season. Rarely is a friend around for a lifetime. Depending on your view and on the friend, this can be a sad reality. We get busy. We move. We have families that need our time and attention. We have careers to worry about, bills to pay, functions and appointments to attend. Life doesn't always leave much room for friends. Despite this, I still hang on to the belief that a good friend is worth making the effort for. And, a good friend will make an effort in return.
Even after we weigh the risks, take the plunge and make an honest effort, some relationships just don't last. If the friendship wasn't an intimate one, then we usually get past it rather quickly. However, the loss of a close friendship, in many ways, can feel like a death. It's easy to see why some friendships fail. Maybe alcoholism is to blame or betrayal. Sometimes people change over time and just don't have much in common any more. Those things I get. Those reasons I understand. However, what I can't wrap my head around is a friend who walks away with no explanation. They simply vanish. Phone calls don't get returned, texts go unanswered. The abandoned friend is left wondering why. I recently read an article about this very phenomenon. It has a name - "ghosting". To me, that's one of the worst things you can do - especially if the friendship was a close one. I'd much rather someone be honest with me, even if the truth hurt. Truth brings closure. Truth can be dealt with, but mystery causes confusion that lasts for a long time to come.
I know what it feels like to be burned by a friend. I've been hurt, betrayed and abandoned (I guess I can say "ghosted" now since that's a thing). Because of the deep hurt and scars on my heart, I'm cautious when entering into a new friendship. I conceal parts of myself because I know what it's like to be betrayed after making myself vulnerable. Oftentimes, I keep people at arms length because if I become too emotionally invested, it'll hurt too much if the relationship fails. There are very few people that I trust in this world. Very few people that I show my whole, unfiltered self to. I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm okay with that. Not everyone is mine, either.
So given the risks involved, why do we continue? Why do we try? We do so because our hearts compel us to. Friendship and companionship are God-given needs (if you believe in that sort of thing). I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the best friend. Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own life or I let my own selfishness blind me to the needs of others. On the other hand, I can be a good friend when I really put forth the effort. I place a lot of value on my friends and would do just about any thing for them. I love to make my friends laugh and I love talking with them about the things that weigh on their hearts and minds.
I am trying. I'm trying to let people back in. I'm slowly tearing down my walls when I find a friend who I think might be "safe". I'm learning to not let the opinions of others define me and to embrace the person that I am. While getting older may come with wrinkles and weird body aches with no known origin (seriously, why does my back hurt?!), it also comes with a growing confidence and acceptance of one's self. I'm beginning to see that the rewards are worth the risk. Sometimes we have to dig through the weeds to get to the flowers. If you call yourself my friend, know that I love and value you. Even if you're a friend from my past, know that you have meant something to me. For those of you who have stuck around, see my faults and love me anyway, thank you.
"One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
- Proverbs 18:24
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